i’m desperate to be held but i won’t let anyone touch me. not even necessarily romantically..just..i don’t know, it’s almost disgusting how needy i am. i just want to call him, say let’s get high and let me feel you there, that’s my falling in love for the hour, for you, you can be that for me. i don’t care if it’s wrong, if you say..feel, females aren’t for you. i fell for you for an hour once before, i need to fall again once more.
i’m not a hollow shell, i know
my heart contains so much, too much love.
i never wanted my life to be about falling in love and waiting for it, but if a soul can caress mine i think i would be
okay
but that is my need
and that
isn’t.
i question if i’m even connecting in the world.
i took the last of my laxatives last night and the last of my liquid magnesium, and today i was finally empty again. i just said yes to fast food, and had watermelon, and chips and salsa with my mom. we sat there next to each other for once, i didn’t want to run away. i only felt scared because i was eating and i had nothing to get rid of it—my fingers obviously won’t work. the poison stays in my body.
i start back at too full of a stomach. i am able to stop myself from binging like i did before, but i am still full. full of food, need.
now i starve it all away
i can’t stand being so..present.
