i hate to hate myself for saying this but.. i’ve been feeling pretty happy. ever since my mom saw that post (and though i denied it with everything i could and we left it at that) i’ve had to scare myself into healthier thinking, being nicer to her, being more kind. i even made myself eat the food she cooked me (after she left) and not throw it away like i was going to (which i have a hard time doing so if i have the will, i usually do it with zeal) just to prove to myself and her that the post wasn’t about her (as much as it was). because being confronted about my problems was crazy, i don’t associate those things with myself because i’m convinced i don’t know who that person is. when i wake ip i can’t imagine having hurt myself in the past sometimes. and other times as soon as i wake up it’s all i want to do.
and then last night my brother who is in the military said he’d go with me to this huge 2 day music festival in downtown Los Angeles when he is on his two week leave, even though he has a family, and i hung out with some friends last night and watched a movie, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?,” which Johnny Depp is perfect in of course, and DiCaprio plays a heartwrenchingly slow boy, and it made me relish people again and want human contact. and just look at life differently again..i just love movies so much!
Also, my best friend’s been reaching out to me about how scared she is of losing me because we never talk or hang out anymore. All this time i thought she hadn’t cared but she does. And though it saddens me because she’s one of my biggest triggers i would like to be close with her one day. i know i don’t want to push her out of my life but it’s really hard whenever we eat, her being reallyreally skinny and complaining about how gross she’s getting because she’s gaining weight and needing to diet (or stop eating, like she says she does for a couple days like it’s no big deal.) now i don’t know if she has a distorted body image so i’m not going to say i can just get over herself being mad at her weight gain and maybe thinking i’m a beached whale as well, because it hurts me. which is another reason i’ve been avoiding her. but that could change..
Maybe things are trying to fix themselves? And for the sake of others I hope they do work out, not for my happiness but for their’s. Then one day i can work on being happy myself. Which is a huge step for me since i don’t want anything good to come for me, i don’t deserve it. But seeing the hurt on my mom’s face and seeing her basically cry, which she never does, over my post..it made me reevaluate things and how much i really don’t want to hurt people.
wow sorry for this long post i had a lot to ay and i hope you all are doing wonderful and will talk to me soon xxxx